Hey! Turns out I'm not crazy!

...Or at least it turns out I'm a medicated form of crazy.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  The diagnosis is life altering.  Why?  Because for years I've known something was wrong.  Depression? Social anxiety?  I was even beginning to think I was suffering from a paranoid personality disorder (thanks google).  I finally decided I was just flat out nuts, and there was no help for it.  I have spent years of my life trying to diagnose myself, but to anxious to actually seek help.  I thought I could deal with it, once I pinpointed what was actually wrong.  I finally figured it out.  Thanks to reality TV that is.  A show called Obsessed on Netflix opened the door for me to OCD when I realized it wasn't all about germaphobes and lock checking.

 Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).

Well, what do you know.  Check, check, check, triple check.  It was like a light turned on.  I wasn't stuck in the darkness alone anymore.  There are millions of people out there like me, and I can live like a semi-average person.  That is, once I got over my most life-impacting obsessions.  The phone, and the dark.
I started counseling.  I see an amazing therapist.  She's given me the tools to curb my anxiety, and work on the whole phone and dark thing.  What is it about the phone, and that type of interaction that makes me more comfortable driving across town to speak face to face?  Still haven't figure it out, but its a work in progress.  Why would I think that something is going to grab me from under the bed at night, or that I will see things in the mirror when its dark?  Who knows.  What I do know?  I have stood next to my bed now, in the dark, without being grabbed.  I haven't checked any closets, or behind any shower curtains for sometime.  I have even peed in the dark on numerous occasions without seeing anything in the mirror!  Progress, not perfection.

I dont really know if the changes in myself are clear yet to others, but they will be.  Having a diagnosis, and being on the right meds, has meant a world of change for me.  I'm still anxious.  I still bite my lips.  I still count and re-count.  I still have to hear the cabinet door hit the cabinet for me to be satisfied its closed.  And yes, I still refuse to put my purse on the floor.  But I can live with these things.  They dont make me crazy.  They make me quirky.  And I can live with that.

Motherhood has sucked the life out of me

OK so maybe not really.  Or maybe so.  I guess its just made me lame and boring.  Or is that the definition of  the title?  Here's the thing, apparently, I used to have a sense of humor.  I used to have interesting things to say and interesting stories to tell.  Of course, I didn't think that's changed.  To me, the things my kids do and say are HILARIOUS!  But repeating them to others, more often then not, sounds, well, lame and boring.  Going through old facebook posts proves I was once witty and comedic.  That's it.  They've sucked the life out of me.  They've sucked the personality right out of me leaving me overflowing with only comments and stories about THEM!!  I love my kids dearly, but set me down in front of you with a no kid talk rule, and Ive got nothing.  NOTHING I SAY!!!  Do I even have a name?  Pretty sure I'm referred to as Mom, or enter child's name here's mom.  I think it starts with an M or some letter close to that.  Maybe I'm being dramatic. But I'll be honest.  Its not so much the kids that have done this to me, it the TWINS that have done this.  Twins are adorable, and funny, and fight allot, and demand allot, and basically take up like 20 hours of my day.  This is their fault.  Yes. Their fault indeed.  The mothering practices I used on my older kids with great success have failed me this time around.  I let them get away with things I wouldn't DREAM of letting the others do.  Their bullies I tell you!!  They tag team me into submission!!  They wear me down to nothing til I don't care anymore!!  Wait!  Marylynn.  That's my name!!  Marylynn!!  Where are you?  I know your somewhere inside that Mom person!!  Its OK to come out!  I wont let them lose you again!  Hmmm.  It looks like shes going to need allot more coaxing.  Guess I need to work on that.  And honestly, I love my kids more than anything.  I love being a mom, and I love being with them.  But I have really got to try and find myself again.  I WILL find a balance between Mom and Marylynn.

the Thomas obsession

I have found myself recently on a quest for Spencer. The speedy bullet train from Thomas and friends, who is quite frankly, a major d-bag. None the less, this is the train Cole requested for potty training. Now, let us go back a little. I have never cared for the creepy, lame talking trains that were Thomas and friends. I was relieved that Tyler never cared for them. I was sure i would never have a kid into them, and even if they did like trains, there were plenty of train options. Boy was i wrong. From the minute he could say the word Cole was obsessed! And although he likes any brand of trains, Thomas is favorite. He carries around the booklets from the packages so he can look at all the trains until its no longer legible. So, we finally spotted a Spencer. Purchased it, and Cole was so excited! The next day at Wal-Mart while Easter shopping, we found patchwork Hiro! This is one i had never seen before outside of Coles train booklets and it was one he really wanted. I began excitedly sorting through the trains and found a ferdinand, and another spencer! Now, if you know Thomas, you know its really hit and miss finding the ones you want. In fact, most stores i go to are nearly sold out of trains, all the time. Josh and i began excitedly discussing the names and types of trains, the movies they are in, which we had to buy, tidmouth tunnel tracks, and the cranky playset. Then it hit me. I have a problem. Clearly this thomas obsession has leeched onto me as i know far more about Thomas than i ever wanted to, and the fact that i was so excited about them...of course. The t-shirts, the toys, the backpacks, the over priced juices, the pjs, and the chairs they'll be getting for Easter. Clearly ive had this problem for awhile. And i really dont mind it like i thought i would.

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2 of a kind?

At 2 years old, im lucky if i can get one of my boys to take a nap. If he does go down (usually Corbin), my day calms down. Cole will watch a movie or play quietly alone and i can enjoy an hour-ish of blissful silence while i fold the laundry or even waste to much time on pinterest :). As a mom of twins, its as much as i can hope for. And i savor every second of this almost me time. Today, as i sneaked through the family room before being spotted by Cole, i stopped to look at him. He looked so lonely and the guilt set in. My plan of a popsicle and sudoku immediately changed as i asked him if i could hold him and watch a movie. His eyes lit up as he jumped up and down saying yay yay yay! As we watch Thomas he looks at me every few minutes and smiles then he tells me about the different trains. Now, from his excitement you might think i never spend any time with the poor boy. I always thought i spent too much time. Im with my boys nearly 24/7. Holding them, breaking up fights, feeding, dressing, bathing, and playing with them. But what hit me at that moment was i never spend time with HIM. Either of them, one on one. Everything is me and the boys. Not me and Cole. Or me and Corbin. I think as moms of twins not only do we lose our own identities, but sometimes our twins lose theirs. I know their different. I see their individual strengths and qualities, their different likes and dislikes. they couldnt be more different from each other. Yet ive never thought about the individual attention they needed. As much as i love my boys together, i will definitely be learning how to enjoy them one at a time.

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Weightloss!!

So, Its been alot of weeks.  I dont know how many exactly.  And Im down nearly 10lbs!!  Im pretty much down to a size 16 pants (my first goal!!) although they are still a little tight.  Another few pounds and they'll be amazing!!  At this point I definately blame my weight gain on anti-depressants.  I quit taking them mid October, and if you take away a few weeks for it to get out of my system, I have had my first significant weight loss since the twins were born.  And get this, I really havent done anything to lose it.  I havent been dieting, and Ive only been exercising like twice a week.  Sure, this probably means I could lose a ton more if I tried, and I intend to, but... well, I will.  I think Im going to get a gym membership.  Ive been going to the KOPFC but its kinda far, and Im only motivated to go when Tia does lol.  Tia, if you read this, I will still go with you to pps on tuesdays though. If you go ;).  Anyway, thats where we're at.  And typing this actually has given me the motivation to head over to 24fitness and sign up right now! :) Maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Welcome 2012!! Or something

Another year has come and gone.  Whats so great about that?  Im still 28. Im still 60lbs overweight. Im still living at my parents house.  I still have bill collectors calling.  I still have a transmission leak in my van.  Who the heck decided that a new year means "a clean slate" or any of that crap?  Isnt the celebration of the new year just another excuse to overeat and drink too much?  I think yes.  Heres what I KNOW will happen in 2012: I will have another birthday, hitting the forever 29 mark.  My kids will all have another birthday making them one year older, and me feeling 10 years older.  I will have a child start Jr. high. JR HIGH I say!!  Damn you 2012!  Sure, all my 2012 rantings are about age.  Mostly my own.  Ok, I guess it comes down to being all about my own.  Every new year brings me that much closer to 30 which I know Im not at all ready for, but thats a whole other can of worms for another time.  A time that will probably come as my 29th birthday is looming.  Back to the new years crap.  Will my life get better because of the new year? Of course not.  The only positive that actually comes from the changing of the year is that I have another tax return to look forward to.  Yay for  0 interest government savings accounts!  Although Ive got that sucker way past spent already.  Anyway, damn my wandering mind.  I do have goals for 2012.  I wont call them resolutions.  These are the things I expect accomplished by the time 2013 rolls around (yes, Im pretty sure 2013 will happen. Josh seems pretty sure that Dec 21 2012 only marks the day the anti-christ is born, not the actual end of the world.  That wont happen til 2060 according to sir Isaac Newton.  See, I know stuff lmao)  Heres my list for your viewing pleasure.  Judge how you will.
Goal 1-the good ole weight loss goal.  Its timeless, isnt it?  I have phenomenal goals for my body this year, and Im ready to get my Dr involved this time, not just pout when my hard work doesnt pay off (and by that I mean possible medical reasons for not losing weight.  Not plastic surgery and that junk. Although I wont push aside the idea of lapband/gastric bypass later in the year, but again, another time) My timeline is as follows;
Jan 27-down %5 of my total body weight
April 27- down %10 of starting weight
Aug 21-down %20 of starting weight
Dec 31- a total loss of 60lbs.
Goal 2- have a house.  Preferably a home we own.  But at this point Im not too picky.  We just better not be living here another year.
Goal 3- Time management.  I want to DO more with my time.  Actually DO the things I find on pinterest not just pretend I might lol
Goal 4- relationships.  I want a better marriage and a stronger family.  Obviously this is one that I can do alone, but hoping I can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

I think that will do for now.  I dont want to overwhelm myself, after all.  So, I wish you luck in your new years endeavors, and I might update about these things.  Although in my experience, If I dont update, Ive probably given up.  So heres hoping for updates! :)

another new year

Its time again for resolutions. Im pretty sure everyone I know, every year, has a resolution that has to do with their body. Wether it be weight loss, toning, etc. My goal, for the third new years in a row, will be to lose this 60lbs thats been haunting me since shortly AFTER my twins were born (7/8/09).



Let me start with some explanation. I started WW early 2010. I lost 10lbs in about 4 weeks, then plateaued. I kept at it for another 8 weeks with no results and I quit. Nothing else I tried worked, so I tried WW online for a few months summer of 2010 with no results so I quit. Jan-April 2011 I did zumba and weight training every week with minimal results. May 2011 I joined an intense, cross-fit style gym where I worked incredibly hard 3-4 times a week through weight training and cardio. Was down 15in in 6 weeks, but no weightloss. That was ok with me though. A loss was a loss. I kept up at the gym, and joined WW once again in sep 2011, expecting amazing results from the pair. No such luck. I have not lost a pound in nearly a year. Naturally, I said why bother and quit it all, and yes, my pants have been feeling tighter. It seems that all my hard work of diet and excersize has done nothing more than help me maintain, which would be amazing if I weighed 160. But I dont. I weigh somewhere around 230.



It was the fall of 2011 that I decided something more must be wrong. Ive never had THIS much trouble losing weight. Now, Ive always struggled with my weight, but Ive never worked so hard and not had results. Lets be honest here. Ive never worked so hard period. Whats wrong with me? Im only 28 years old!! I finally decided that something more MUST be wrong with me, so I turned to my favorite doctor.The internet. I came to the conclusion that the problem was likely the anti depressents I started taking after I had my twins. I dont know this for sure, but its my assumption as I put on 20+ lbs 2 months after giving birth, despite breastfeeding twins and chasing 5 kids around all day. Anyway. I subsequently quit the anti depressents in Sept. but my motivation was shot. I have done nothing since then to attempt weightloss. At first the excuse was, whats the point until the meds are out of my system? Then it was, its christmas time! Who can diet? But, those excuses have run out of time. Im prozac free, and christmas is past. 2012 is quickly approachng and its time to give it another shot.

To end a long post, I KNOW I will get the results Im looking for this time. Work is something Ive never been afraid of, and this time, I fully expect results from my amazing-ness.

Consider this picture the beginning of my amazing journey, and know that I will NEVER look like this again :)