what i like about my friends

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  A worry wart by nature, I lay in bed and stress as I'm sure many of you do.  To redirect my mind, I started to think about friends.  Its been brought to my attention lately (though always at the edge of my mind) that the reason I don't have great friends, is because I'm not that great a friend myself.  My philosophy on friendship has always been to take care of my friends, which actually just makes me an enabler. ie, babysitter, chauffeur, loan center, etc. Theres more to being a good friend than letting people walk all over you.  I suppose a big help would be if people wanted to hang out with me for reasons other than those listed above.  So operation new me begins.  Again.  But this time its not so much about what I think of me, its what others do. Superficial? Maybe. I like to think of it as a journey to greatness. My mom has a friend named Sue. Sue is a genuinely sweet, wonderful person. She never says a bad thing about anyone.  In fact, when the gossip starts (lets face it ladies, it always does!) Sue doesn't join in, but in fact points out the good qualities in the person. I want to be more like Sue. So  begin. Less talking, more listening. Instead of matching the stories I'm told, I will ask more questions. Cause honestly, I always have questions. Although they may come way after the fact lol. So pardon my hours late questions on topics seemingly put to rest.  So, back to where I started. I was laying in bed, and instead of counting sheep, I decided to think of 3 things I like about my friends. Now, don't be offended if your name doesn't show up. This will be an ongoing process that I want to be genuine, so I will add names as I get to know people better. And while I may have things I like about you, I don't want it to just say, so and so is nice. so and so is friendly. kwim? :) And really, this is mostly for my own benefit. I only post it here so you all know I love you and value your friendship. Cause if you know me at all, you know Im not one who likes to show emotion :)
Tia. Tia is sweet. She Always has a kind word and I love how she calls kids "little lambs". It always makes me smile. Tia is always willing to help a friend in need and is definitely a trusted and loved friend. 
Alice. Alice is warm and friendly. Someone you know you can trust with a secret, big or small.  She keeps her cool fairly well, but is pretty funny to see riled up :)
Rachel Burns. Rachel is entertaining. She always has some wild story and I love her animation and excitement as she tells it.  Rachel will tell you how it is.  She has a level of bold honesty that I really admire.
Erin S. Erin is the type of friend a person is lucky to have. Shes fun, giving, and sweet. An awesome person all around.
Ali. Ali has a magnetic personality. I admire her wit and she is an extremely talented photographer and excellent baker :)
Suzy. Suzy is kind and creative.  Even with her lack of sleep she somehow functions day in and day out and I'm inspired by her perseverance. :)
Meg.  Meg is super sweet and I would kill to have her fashion sense and style!

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quirky Corbin

What a character! Now as i write this i know im obligated to dedicate an entire post to Cole, but that will come :).
Corbin. Im really not sure what goes through your head. You are the most compassionate little boy ive ever seen while being the meanest little booger. Your relationship with Cole is of the "i can hurt him but no one else can" variety. Even with your delays and weaknesses your a strong defender of your family, and before 2! Last night, while lying with me to sleep a baby cried on tv. Your immediate reaction was to pop up, and utter a worried "Bole!" And the only way to get you to lay down was to point out the baby on the tv and watch it cry. Melted my heart though. Your worry for your twin! This morning i asked if you were ready to get dressed. "Bole? Dress?" You asked him. As if the whole idea was out of the question unless he was right there with you. I love spending my days trying to figure out what goes through that head of yours. What makes you inclined to hit, pinch, and bite your brother, then turn around and hit, pinch, and bite anyone that seems to be threatening him. You are certainly not the one i expected to be the defender, and im sorry i underestimated you!

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When life poops on your lawn and you just keep stepping in it...

Wow my blog has become depressing lately. Sorry to those who prefer my funny stories. I'll get back there. Sooner or later. Perhaps its time to up the prozac. Or at least remember to take it :P.  Today, my car was broken into. At church. My dad borrowed the van, and during sacrament someone busted out the drivers side window, stole my purse (yes, I know it shouldnt have been there. Just a reminder that all it takes is once) and my kids DVD player.  Im sickened. I literally want to throw up. Now, I will start off with I am grateful for the most important of things in my life. Health, the fact that what health issues my kids (especially Corbin) have are fairly minor. We are lucky that way. I know that with his muscle disease (which I will elaborate on later when we have a diagnosis) could be so much worse. Im grateful we both have jobs. Im grateful for an awesome family.  Anytime I start bitching about my life I end up feeling guilty because there are so many that are so worse off so please know I am thankful for what blessings I have. Now, moving onto the bitching. Since moving in with my parents, which if youve read below we did to get out of debt and into our own home, its been nothing but obstacles to overcome.  The theory of how much money we could save (and yes, we do pay rent) is a nice thought. First off, in the fall our cars were broken into. Luckily nothing was broken, or taken even from my car. They just made a mess of things. While Im glad nothing major came of it, it was still frustrating. December, I was rear ended on the freeway totaling my car.  This was particularly irritating because although I had full coverage, my insurance company was a joke. Leaving me to deal with the other insurance, as it wasnt my fault, and overall leaving me screwed on the settlement because I didnt have proper representation or help. I salvaged the title, and planned to continue to drive it, smashed back end and all, til we were in a house and able to buy a new van.  February, while doing a crossing, my van was side swiped by an intoxicated (not sure what he was on) driver, rendering it totaled, and completely undriveable and unsalvageable. This time, I had wonderful insurance that took care of everything quickly and got me a fair amt, downside was I STILL hadnt settled the previous when the second happened, so I had to settle quickly with the first to be able to take care of the second and have a car to drive. All in all, BOTH settlements totaled what the second would have given me if it hadnt been salvaged. Which is when the realization that Id been royal screwed the first time sunk in. After WEEKS of searching for a vehicle that would seat my family of 7, with less than 110k miles and under $5k, I finally found something. Then I found out it needed $1200 of work. Serves me right for not taking it to a mechanic pre-purchase, right? Well, the dealership ended up taking care of it all for $500 (keep in mind, buying an older car I expected minor work needing to be done). All in all, the "new" van cost me more than I recieved for the old one. Then I went through weeks of not being able to register the stupid thing because the dealership I bought it throught wouldnt give me the proper paperwork. Fast forward a month. Things are going well. Im finally getting a grip on our budget and getting life back under control.  Earlier this week I started feeling good about the direction we were heading financially and personally. Til this morning. Literally its been less than a week that Ive felt ok. Why am I not allowed more time than that? What horrible things did I do to reap such a horrible chain of events?  I feel like Karmas been having its way with me for years now.  Perhaps its time to "Earl" it and make a list of wrongs to right? I dont know. Ive always believed that in our lives we will have not only small struggles, but the big one. For some its their kids, some its money, some its addiction.  I thought my big struggle was my marriage.  We love eachother deeply, but its been a rough road. And it seems my theory was wrong. My life is a struggle. I chose a hard path a long time ago but Im a fighter, and I knew I could handle it. But its days like this when I would like to just say eff it all. I struggle with every aspect of my life right now. Shouldnt SOMETHING come easy? just 1 thing? Money, marriage, parenting, friendships, housekeeping, weightloss, time management, religion, SOMETHING?!? Everything in my life is such a mess right now and Im drowning in it. What do people do when it gets like this? How do you get to shore when the tide is whisking you further and further to a sea of BS? I feel like a cartoon floating on the little plank of wood because my ship sank and I dont have a life jacket. How long can I hold on? Clearly no lifeboats are out there so Im getting to the point of having to make a decision between holding out and continue this struggle to survive or giving up and drowning.

misc ramblings

So this weekend i had an amazing moms night out in Wendover. Medoicre food, watered down drinks, lost money gambling...doesnt sound so great on paper, but what made this a trip to remember was the most awesome group of ladies i was with. For a long time ive searched for a "group" to spend time with. Now, this post has a double theme. Firstly, how eccstatic i am to feel part of a group. I know im not a main part of said group, but even being on the fringe is nice ;). I look forward to more crazy fun nights, and coffee with you ladies. Its funny how finding friends is kind of like dating. You meet in random places, exchange info, try them out, see if they fit your life. Sometimes it becomes a lifetime thing, but more often then not you just dont click right away or after a few get togethers. Sometimes your the rebound or the "sugar mama" so to speak. Bare with me here. If ya'll knew what was going on in my head my wild ramblings would make perfect sense, but typing on this tiny phone keyboard at 20wpm just isnt getting things through before the next thought enters lol. Long story short, im so happy with my friendships these days, and im starting to feel like i might just belong in this eclectic group :)
My second tangent has to do with my never ending struggle with my weight. Looking through the pics of our mno, i realized i really am the fat friend. Now, i know im fat. But why dont i feel that fat? I only feel fat when i see pics of myself or the size of my clothes. Seeing how awful i look is tough. i hate this. So it comes down to, lose the weight or find fatter friends. Neither is easy. My new goal is to lose 50lbs by our next girls night in Wendover. Do you think i can do it? I would like to think so, but im feeling like a lost cause these days

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~My journey to health~

With the new year, of course my resolution is to lose weight and get healthy. Among the other typical resolutions that is. Save money, get out of debt, be a better mom and wife, and just a better person in general :).  But this post will mark the beginning of my journey to a better me.  I have had an incredible week of eating healthy, and exercising daily, and I just feel incredible. I know I can do this. Its not just about losing weight, but if your wondering, my goal is to lose 65 pounds. Its about feeling better, teaching my kids great habits, and getting the whole family healthy and more active. Last week I gave myself the goal of 2 healthy meals a week so start, and slowly turn it into 4 or 5. This still leaves us our family night freedom, Sunday dinner at moms, and maybe one more freebie. So I started this journey with recipes old Marylynn would never have dreamed of. http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=615280 This was the first. And a huge leap for me, miss anti beans, rice, and veggies. It was amazingly delicous, and I will definitely make it again. I also made Tilapia Parmesan, and a salsa chicken. Incredible food! I didn't have to sacrifice good food for health, so I have a renewed sense of accomplishment and I'm excited to continue on this journey of new food, and a new me :).

The state of America.

I'm not talking about the national debt, or health care, or abortion, or any other hot topics.  I'm talking about the people.  With election day come and gone, this morning I was thinking. Our country has alot of problems. I would say our biggest problem is the 2 parties that "represent" the people. Our country is full of hate and it sickens me.  All I see on TV is hate.  Everyone in politics hates each other, and blames the other party of racism, sexism, socialism, segregation, etc.  What got me thinking of this today?  Actually, I must credit Pink Floyd's "hey you".  The lyrics, 'together we stand, united we fall'.  First of all, I thought of the 9/11 slogan, 'united we stand' then I got to thinking;  Why does it take a national tragedy for us to realize whats really important? At that time we weren't democrats or republicans. We weren't black white or Hispanic. We weren't gay or straight, male or female, christian or atheist.  We were Americans.  We joined together in defense of our country and created a united front. However temporary it may have been.  Now of course there were those that didn't join us, but we were to busy taking care of each other to notice.  This post is not in support of any political party or group.  This post is in support of a united state of America.  Not the current divided one.  Our government is corrupt, and the only people who get noticed are extremists.  I remember being at work on 9/11/2001.  I remember the feelings that went through me.  I remember the overwhelming urge to show my support by posting it on the reader board of Central Park.  I remember being proud to be an American and proud of all the things that stood for.  I was proud of our country and the compassion in which we had for each other that day.  Now, all I can think is shame on you, politicians.  Shame on the groups that promote hate against a certain race of people (and I don't just mean black. There are plenty of white-hate groups too) shame on people who feel the need to spend their days spewing hate against homosexuals and judging the choices and lifestyles others choose.  Shame on those who feel the need to change our pledge of allegiance. Shame on those who protest military funerals. Shame on those bashing each others right to religious freedom.  I could go on for days.  We are a country divided. And as best said by pink Floyd, 'together we stand, divided we fall'.

The "D" word

In the past few months, Ive had several friends, and family members become seperated, or divorced. This trend is quite upsetting to me. I see generally happy families being split up over things like money, and child rearing. Things that if every couple to have the fight divorced, well, needless to say the "family" would be an extinct idea.  Just today I had a neighbor confide in me her marital dilemmas, and its saddening. I know some of us have bigger issues. Addiction, and infidelity, among others.  However, are these things truly unforgivable sins? Does the old homage 'once a cheater always a cheater' speak truth?  Sometimes, maybe. But Ive seen the contrary too many times to give into old misguided sayings.  Ive been in the position of marital discourse more times than I can count. Going through nearly every issue under the sun, and learning to forgive, be forgiven and move on. Its not an easy task. Definately not for the faint of heart. But Ive always asked myself. Isnt my family worth it? My kids deserve to be raised in a 2 parent home if possible. Why are so many people so willing to give up their marriage without a fight?  Why do we expect our spouses to be perfect, when we dont fit the description ourselves? Surely we all have it in us to forgive.  Now, I understand some things are unforgivable, and I whole heartedly agree that divorce is the best option. Things like abuse, or continual infidelity or addiction problems. In these cases, please do what you need to do, but overall I think our culture has become lazy in terms of family and marriage. We made the decision to enter into a union with this other person. For better or worse. Some of us have alot more worse than better, but its these times that make us stronger people and can strengthen a marriage, causing us to lean on and support each other, or despise each other.  Why do our friends push us to "leave the jerk" ? Shouldnt a friend be a supportive, listening ear to help us find our way out of the darkness and gloom, wether it end up being divorce or otherwise? Marriage isnt supposed to be easy. Raising a family is not easy. Those TV sitcoms are not the reality of marriage. Fights arent resolved with a short, heated discussion and a laugh. Not at my house anyway. Kids are an ever-present force. Where are the kids in TV families? If only they only appeard and had conflict when it was pertinent to the 'episode' that week.  We as women should be strong, and fight for what we believe in. I believe in the family. And though this post will probably not do anyone any good, Ive been itching to get it out there. I will always support my friends in their decisions. I may not agree, and you can bet Im going to give you my 2 cents wether you like it or not. I wont pound it into your head.  But I do feel the need to share my own experiences, and try to help in anyway I can.  Just so you know. Work it out people. You may not be happy at the moment, but obviously you were happy once because you chose to marry and start a family with this person. I promise you can be happy again. It wont be all the time, and it wont be exactly the same. But you can be happy. It takes time and effort though. Something  in this age of convenience and impatience that people dont seem to be willing to put forth. Giving up is easier. Right? Just remember, the easy path isnt always the best path.