Hey! Turns out I'm not crazy!

...Or at least it turns out I'm a medicated form of crazy.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  The diagnosis is life altering.  Why?  Because for years I've known something was wrong.  Depression? Social anxiety?  I was even beginning to think I was suffering from a paranoid personality disorder (thanks google).  I finally decided I was just flat out nuts, and there was no help for it.  I have spent years of my life trying to diagnose myself, but to anxious to actually seek help.  I thought I could deal with it, once I pinpointed what was actually wrong.  I finally figured it out.  Thanks to reality TV that is.  A show called Obsessed on Netflix opened the door for me to OCD when I realized it wasn't all about germaphobes and lock checking.

 Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).

Well, what do you know.  Check, check, check, triple check.  It was like a light turned on.  I wasn't stuck in the darkness alone anymore.  There are millions of people out there like me, and I can live like a semi-average person.  That is, once I got over my most life-impacting obsessions.  The phone, and the dark.
I started counseling.  I see an amazing therapist.  She's given me the tools to curb my anxiety, and work on the whole phone and dark thing.  What is it about the phone, and that type of interaction that makes me more comfortable driving across town to speak face to face?  Still haven't figure it out, but its a work in progress.  Why would I think that something is going to grab me from under the bed at night, or that I will see things in the mirror when its dark?  Who knows.  What I do know?  I have stood next to my bed now, in the dark, without being grabbed.  I haven't checked any closets, or behind any shower curtains for sometime.  I have even peed in the dark on numerous occasions without seeing anything in the mirror!  Progress, not perfection.

I dont really know if the changes in myself are clear yet to others, but they will be.  Having a diagnosis, and being on the right meds, has meant a world of change for me.  I'm still anxious.  I still bite my lips.  I still count and re-count.  I still have to hear the cabinet door hit the cabinet for me to be satisfied its closed.  And yes, I still refuse to put my purse on the floor.  But I can live with these things.  They dont make me crazy.  They make me quirky.  And I can live with that.

Motherhood has sucked the life out of me

OK so maybe not really.  Or maybe so.  I guess its just made me lame and boring.  Or is that the definition of  the title?  Here's the thing, apparently, I used to have a sense of humor.  I used to have interesting things to say and interesting stories to tell.  Of course, I didn't think that's changed.  To me, the things my kids do and say are HILARIOUS!  But repeating them to others, more often then not, sounds, well, lame and boring.  Going through old facebook posts proves I was once witty and comedic.  That's it.  They've sucked the life out of me.  They've sucked the personality right out of me leaving me overflowing with only comments and stories about THEM!!  I love my kids dearly, but set me down in front of you with a no kid talk rule, and Ive got nothing.  NOTHING I SAY!!!  Do I even have a name?  Pretty sure I'm referred to as Mom, or enter child's name here's mom.  I think it starts with an M or some letter close to that.  Maybe I'm being dramatic. But I'll be honest.  Its not so much the kids that have done this to me, it the TWINS that have done this.  Twins are adorable, and funny, and fight allot, and demand allot, and basically take up like 20 hours of my day.  This is their fault.  Yes. Their fault indeed.  The mothering practices I used on my older kids with great success have failed me this time around.  I let them get away with things I wouldn't DREAM of letting the others do.  Their bullies I tell you!!  They tag team me into submission!!  They wear me down to nothing til I don't care anymore!!  Wait!  Marylynn.  That's my name!!  Marylynn!!  Where are you?  I know your somewhere inside that Mom person!!  Its OK to come out!  I wont let them lose you again!  Hmmm.  It looks like shes going to need allot more coaxing.  Guess I need to work on that.  And honestly, I love my kids more than anything.  I love being a mom, and I love being with them.  But I have really got to try and find myself again.  I WILL find a balance between Mom and Marylynn.

the Thomas obsession

I have found myself recently on a quest for Spencer. The speedy bullet train from Thomas and friends, who is quite frankly, a major d-bag. None the less, this is the train Cole requested for potty training. Now, let us go back a little. I have never cared for the creepy, lame talking trains that were Thomas and friends. I was relieved that Tyler never cared for them. I was sure i would never have a kid into them, and even if they did like trains, there were plenty of train options. Boy was i wrong. From the minute he could say the word Cole was obsessed! And although he likes any brand of trains, Thomas is favorite. He carries around the booklets from the packages so he can look at all the trains until its no longer legible. So, we finally spotted a Spencer. Purchased it, and Cole was so excited! The next day at Wal-Mart while Easter shopping, we found patchwork Hiro! This is one i had never seen before outside of Coles train booklets and it was one he really wanted. I began excitedly sorting through the trains and found a ferdinand, and another spencer! Now, if you know Thomas, you know its really hit and miss finding the ones you want. In fact, most stores i go to are nearly sold out of trains, all the time. Josh and i began excitedly discussing the names and types of trains, the movies they are in, which we had to buy, tidmouth tunnel tracks, and the cranky playset. Then it hit me. I have a problem. Clearly this thomas obsession has leeched onto me as i know far more about Thomas than i ever wanted to, and the fact that i was so excited about them...of course. The t-shirts, the toys, the backpacks, the over priced juices, the pjs, and the chairs they'll be getting for Easter. Clearly ive had this problem for awhile. And i really dont mind it like i thought i would.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

2 of a kind?

At 2 years old, im lucky if i can get one of my boys to take a nap. If he does go down (usually Corbin), my day calms down. Cole will watch a movie or play quietly alone and i can enjoy an hour-ish of blissful silence while i fold the laundry or even waste to much time on pinterest :). As a mom of twins, its as much as i can hope for. And i savor every second of this almost me time. Today, as i sneaked through the family room before being spotted by Cole, i stopped to look at him. He looked so lonely and the guilt set in. My plan of a popsicle and sudoku immediately changed as i asked him if i could hold him and watch a movie. His eyes lit up as he jumped up and down saying yay yay yay! As we watch Thomas he looks at me every few minutes and smiles then he tells me about the different trains. Now, from his excitement you might think i never spend any time with the poor boy. I always thought i spent too much time. Im with my boys nearly 24/7. Holding them, breaking up fights, feeding, dressing, bathing, and playing with them. But what hit me at that moment was i never spend time with HIM. Either of them, one on one. Everything is me and the boys. Not me and Cole. Or me and Corbin. I think as moms of twins not only do we lose our own identities, but sometimes our twins lose theirs. I know their different. I see their individual strengths and qualities, their different likes and dislikes. they couldnt be more different from each other. Yet ive never thought about the individual attention they needed. As much as i love my boys together, i will definitely be learning how to enjoy them one at a time.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Weightloss!!

So, Its been alot of weeks.  I dont know how many exactly.  And Im down nearly 10lbs!!  Im pretty much down to a size 16 pants (my first goal!!) although they are still a little tight.  Another few pounds and they'll be amazing!!  At this point I definately blame my weight gain on anti-depressants.  I quit taking them mid October, and if you take away a few weeks for it to get out of my system, I have had my first significant weight loss since the twins were born.  And get this, I really havent done anything to lose it.  I havent been dieting, and Ive only been exercising like twice a week.  Sure, this probably means I could lose a ton more if I tried, and I intend to, but... well, I will.  I think Im going to get a gym membership.  Ive been going to the KOPFC but its kinda far, and Im only motivated to go when Tia does lol.  Tia, if you read this, I will still go with you to pps on tuesdays though. If you go ;).  Anyway, thats where we're at.  And typing this actually has given me the motivation to head over to 24fitness and sign up right now! :) Maybe I will. Maybe I will.

Welcome 2012!! Or something

Another year has come and gone.  Whats so great about that?  Im still 28. Im still 60lbs overweight. Im still living at my parents house.  I still have bill collectors calling.  I still have a transmission leak in my van.  Who the heck decided that a new year means "a clean slate" or any of that crap?  Isnt the celebration of the new year just another excuse to overeat and drink too much?  I think yes.  Heres what I KNOW will happen in 2012: I will have another birthday, hitting the forever 29 mark.  My kids will all have another birthday making them one year older, and me feeling 10 years older.  I will have a child start Jr. high. JR HIGH I say!!  Damn you 2012!  Sure, all my 2012 rantings are about age.  Mostly my own.  Ok, I guess it comes down to being all about my own.  Every new year brings me that much closer to 30 which I know Im not at all ready for, but thats a whole other can of worms for another time.  A time that will probably come as my 29th birthday is looming.  Back to the new years crap.  Will my life get better because of the new year? Of course not.  The only positive that actually comes from the changing of the year is that I have another tax return to look forward to.  Yay for  0 interest government savings accounts!  Although Ive got that sucker way past spent already.  Anyway, damn my wandering mind.  I do have goals for 2012.  I wont call them resolutions.  These are the things I expect accomplished by the time 2013 rolls around (yes, Im pretty sure 2013 will happen. Josh seems pretty sure that Dec 21 2012 only marks the day the anti-christ is born, not the actual end of the world.  That wont happen til 2060 according to sir Isaac Newton.  See, I know stuff lmao)  Heres my list for your viewing pleasure.  Judge how you will.
Goal 1-the good ole weight loss goal.  Its timeless, isnt it?  I have phenomenal goals for my body this year, and Im ready to get my Dr involved this time, not just pout when my hard work doesnt pay off (and by that I mean possible medical reasons for not losing weight.  Not plastic surgery and that junk. Although I wont push aside the idea of lapband/gastric bypass later in the year, but again, another time) My timeline is as follows;
Jan 27-down %5 of my total body weight
April 27- down %10 of starting weight
Aug 21-down %20 of starting weight
Dec 31- a total loss of 60lbs.
Goal 2- have a house.  Preferably a home we own.  But at this point Im not too picky.  We just better not be living here another year.
Goal 3- Time management.  I want to DO more with my time.  Actually DO the things I find on pinterest not just pretend I might lol
Goal 4- relationships.  I want a better marriage and a stronger family.  Obviously this is one that I can do alone, but hoping I can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

I think that will do for now.  I dont want to overwhelm myself, after all.  So, I wish you luck in your new years endeavors, and I might update about these things.  Although in my experience, If I dont update, Ive probably given up.  So heres hoping for updates! :)

another new year

Its time again for resolutions. Im pretty sure everyone I know, every year, has a resolution that has to do with their body. Wether it be weight loss, toning, etc. My goal, for the third new years in a row, will be to lose this 60lbs thats been haunting me since shortly AFTER my twins were born (7/8/09).



Let me start with some explanation. I started WW early 2010. I lost 10lbs in about 4 weeks, then plateaued. I kept at it for another 8 weeks with no results and I quit. Nothing else I tried worked, so I tried WW online for a few months summer of 2010 with no results so I quit. Jan-April 2011 I did zumba and weight training every week with minimal results. May 2011 I joined an intense, cross-fit style gym where I worked incredibly hard 3-4 times a week through weight training and cardio. Was down 15in in 6 weeks, but no weightloss. That was ok with me though. A loss was a loss. I kept up at the gym, and joined WW once again in sep 2011, expecting amazing results from the pair. No such luck. I have not lost a pound in nearly a year. Naturally, I said why bother and quit it all, and yes, my pants have been feeling tighter. It seems that all my hard work of diet and excersize has done nothing more than help me maintain, which would be amazing if I weighed 160. But I dont. I weigh somewhere around 230.



It was the fall of 2011 that I decided something more must be wrong. Ive never had THIS much trouble losing weight. Now, Ive always struggled with my weight, but Ive never worked so hard and not had results. Lets be honest here. Ive never worked so hard period. Whats wrong with me? Im only 28 years old!! I finally decided that something more MUST be wrong with me, so I turned to my favorite doctor.The internet. I came to the conclusion that the problem was likely the anti depressents I started taking after I had my twins. I dont know this for sure, but its my assumption as I put on 20+ lbs 2 months after giving birth, despite breastfeeding twins and chasing 5 kids around all day. Anyway. I subsequently quit the anti depressents in Sept. but my motivation was shot. I have done nothing since then to attempt weightloss. At first the excuse was, whats the point until the meds are out of my system? Then it was, its christmas time! Who can diet? But, those excuses have run out of time. Im prozac free, and christmas is past. 2012 is quickly approachng and its time to give it another shot.

To end a long post, I KNOW I will get the results Im looking for this time. Work is something Ive never been afraid of, and this time, I fully expect results from my amazing-ness.

Consider this picture the beginning of my amazing journey, and know that I will NEVER look like this again :)

what i like about my friends

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  A worry wart by nature, I lay in bed and stress as I'm sure many of you do.  To redirect my mind, I started to think about friends.  Its been brought to my attention lately (though always at the edge of my mind) that the reason I don't have great friends, is because I'm not that great a friend myself.  My philosophy on friendship has always been to take care of my friends, which actually just makes me an enabler. ie, babysitter, chauffeur, loan center, etc. Theres more to being a good friend than letting people walk all over you.  I suppose a big help would be if people wanted to hang out with me for reasons other than those listed above.  So operation new me begins.  Again.  But this time its not so much about what I think of me, its what others do. Superficial? Maybe. I like to think of it as a journey to greatness. My mom has a friend named Sue. Sue is a genuinely sweet, wonderful person. She never says a bad thing about anyone.  In fact, when the gossip starts (lets face it ladies, it always does!) Sue doesn't join in, but in fact points out the good qualities in the person. I want to be more like Sue. So  begin. Less talking, more listening. Instead of matching the stories I'm told, I will ask more questions. Cause honestly, I always have questions. Although they may come way after the fact lol. So pardon my hours late questions on topics seemingly put to rest.  So, back to where I started. I was laying in bed, and instead of counting sheep, I decided to think of 3 things I like about my friends. Now, don't be offended if your name doesn't show up. This will be an ongoing process that I want to be genuine, so I will add names as I get to know people better. And while I may have things I like about you, I don't want it to just say, so and so is nice. so and so is friendly. kwim? :) And really, this is mostly for my own benefit. I only post it here so you all know I love you and value your friendship. Cause if you know me at all, you know Im not one who likes to show emotion :)
Tia. Tia is sweet. She Always has a kind word and I love how she calls kids "little lambs". It always makes me smile. Tia is always willing to help a friend in need and is definitely a trusted and loved friend. 
Alice. Alice is warm and friendly. Someone you know you can trust with a secret, big or small.  She keeps her cool fairly well, but is pretty funny to see riled up :)
Rachel Burns. Rachel is entertaining. She always has some wild story and I love her animation and excitement as she tells it.  Rachel will tell you how it is.  She has a level of bold honesty that I really admire.
Erin S. Erin is the type of friend a person is lucky to have. Shes fun, giving, and sweet. An awesome person all around.
Ali. Ali has a magnetic personality. I admire her wit and she is an extremely talented photographer and excellent baker :)
Suzy. Suzy is kind and creative.  Even with her lack of sleep she somehow functions day in and day out and I'm inspired by her perseverance. :)
Meg.  Meg is super sweet and I would kill to have her fashion sense and style!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

quirky Corbin

What a character! Now as i write this i know im obligated to dedicate an entire post to Cole, but that will come :).
Corbin. Im really not sure what goes through your head. You are the most compassionate little boy ive ever seen while being the meanest little booger. Your relationship with Cole is of the "i can hurt him but no one else can" variety. Even with your delays and weaknesses your a strong defender of your family, and before 2! Last night, while lying with me to sleep a baby cried on tv. Your immediate reaction was to pop up, and utter a worried "Bole!" And the only way to get you to lay down was to point out the baby on the tv and watch it cry. Melted my heart though. Your worry for your twin! This morning i asked if you were ready to get dressed. "Bole? Dress?" You asked him. As if the whole idea was out of the question unless he was right there with you. I love spending my days trying to figure out what goes through that head of yours. What makes you inclined to hit, pinch, and bite your brother, then turn around and hit, pinch, and bite anyone that seems to be threatening him. You are certainly not the one i expected to be the defender, and im sorry i underestimated you!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

When life poops on your lawn and you just keep stepping in it...

Wow my blog has become depressing lately. Sorry to those who prefer my funny stories. I'll get back there. Sooner or later. Perhaps its time to up the prozac. Or at least remember to take it :P.  Today, my car was broken into. At church. My dad borrowed the van, and during sacrament someone busted out the drivers side window, stole my purse (yes, I know it shouldnt have been there. Just a reminder that all it takes is once) and my kids DVD player.  Im sickened. I literally want to throw up. Now, I will start off with I am grateful for the most important of things in my life. Health, the fact that what health issues my kids (especially Corbin) have are fairly minor. We are lucky that way. I know that with his muscle disease (which I will elaborate on later when we have a diagnosis) could be so much worse. Im grateful we both have jobs. Im grateful for an awesome family.  Anytime I start bitching about my life I end up feeling guilty because there are so many that are so worse off so please know I am thankful for what blessings I have. Now, moving onto the bitching. Since moving in with my parents, which if youve read below we did to get out of debt and into our own home, its been nothing but obstacles to overcome.  The theory of how much money we could save (and yes, we do pay rent) is a nice thought. First off, in the fall our cars were broken into. Luckily nothing was broken, or taken even from my car. They just made a mess of things. While Im glad nothing major came of it, it was still frustrating. December, I was rear ended on the freeway totaling my car.  This was particularly irritating because although I had full coverage, my insurance company was a joke. Leaving me to deal with the other insurance, as it wasnt my fault, and overall leaving me screwed on the settlement because I didnt have proper representation or help. I salvaged the title, and planned to continue to drive it, smashed back end and all, til we were in a house and able to buy a new van.  February, while doing a crossing, my van was side swiped by an intoxicated (not sure what he was on) driver, rendering it totaled, and completely undriveable and unsalvageable. This time, I had wonderful insurance that took care of everything quickly and got me a fair amt, downside was I STILL hadnt settled the previous when the second happened, so I had to settle quickly with the first to be able to take care of the second and have a car to drive. All in all, BOTH settlements totaled what the second would have given me if it hadnt been salvaged. Which is when the realization that Id been royal screwed the first time sunk in. After WEEKS of searching for a vehicle that would seat my family of 7, with less than 110k miles and under $5k, I finally found something. Then I found out it needed $1200 of work. Serves me right for not taking it to a mechanic pre-purchase, right? Well, the dealership ended up taking care of it all for $500 (keep in mind, buying an older car I expected minor work needing to be done). All in all, the "new" van cost me more than I recieved for the old one. Then I went through weeks of not being able to register the stupid thing because the dealership I bought it throught wouldnt give me the proper paperwork. Fast forward a month. Things are going well. Im finally getting a grip on our budget and getting life back under control.  Earlier this week I started feeling good about the direction we were heading financially and personally. Til this morning. Literally its been less than a week that Ive felt ok. Why am I not allowed more time than that? What horrible things did I do to reap such a horrible chain of events?  I feel like Karmas been having its way with me for years now.  Perhaps its time to "Earl" it and make a list of wrongs to right? I dont know. Ive always believed that in our lives we will have not only small struggles, but the big one. For some its their kids, some its money, some its addiction.  I thought my big struggle was my marriage.  We love eachother deeply, but its been a rough road. And it seems my theory was wrong. My life is a struggle. I chose a hard path a long time ago but Im a fighter, and I knew I could handle it. But its days like this when I would like to just say eff it all. I struggle with every aspect of my life right now. Shouldnt SOMETHING come easy? just 1 thing? Money, marriage, parenting, friendships, housekeeping, weightloss, time management, religion, SOMETHING?!? Everything in my life is such a mess right now and Im drowning in it. What do people do when it gets like this? How do you get to shore when the tide is whisking you further and further to a sea of BS? I feel like a cartoon floating on the little plank of wood because my ship sank and I dont have a life jacket. How long can I hold on? Clearly no lifeboats are out there so Im getting to the point of having to make a decision between holding out and continue this struggle to survive or giving up and drowning.

misc ramblings

So this weekend i had an amazing moms night out in Wendover. Medoicre food, watered down drinks, lost money gambling...doesnt sound so great on paper, but what made this a trip to remember was the most awesome group of ladies i was with. For a long time ive searched for a "group" to spend time with. Now, this post has a double theme. Firstly, how eccstatic i am to feel part of a group. I know im not a main part of said group, but even being on the fringe is nice ;). I look forward to more crazy fun nights, and coffee with you ladies. Its funny how finding friends is kind of like dating. You meet in random places, exchange info, try them out, see if they fit your life. Sometimes it becomes a lifetime thing, but more often then not you just dont click right away or after a few get togethers. Sometimes your the rebound or the "sugar mama" so to speak. Bare with me here. If ya'll knew what was going on in my head my wild ramblings would make perfect sense, but typing on this tiny phone keyboard at 20wpm just isnt getting things through before the next thought enters lol. Long story short, im so happy with my friendships these days, and im starting to feel like i might just belong in this eclectic group :)
My second tangent has to do with my never ending struggle with my weight. Looking through the pics of our mno, i realized i really am the fat friend. Now, i know im fat. But why dont i feel that fat? I only feel fat when i see pics of myself or the size of my clothes. Seeing how awful i look is tough. i hate this. So it comes down to, lose the weight or find fatter friends. Neither is easy. My new goal is to lose 50lbs by our next girls night in Wendover. Do you think i can do it? I would like to think so, but im feeling like a lost cause these days

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

~My journey to health~

With the new year, of course my resolution is to lose weight and get healthy. Among the other typical resolutions that is. Save money, get out of debt, be a better mom and wife, and just a better person in general :).  But this post will mark the beginning of my journey to a better me.  I have had an incredible week of eating healthy, and exercising daily, and I just feel incredible. I know I can do this. Its not just about losing weight, but if your wondering, my goal is to lose 65 pounds. Its about feeling better, teaching my kids great habits, and getting the whole family healthy and more active. Last week I gave myself the goal of 2 healthy meals a week so start, and slowly turn it into 4 or 5. This still leaves us our family night freedom, Sunday dinner at moms, and maybe one more freebie. So I started this journey with recipes old Marylynn would never have dreamed of. http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=615280 This was the first. And a huge leap for me, miss anti beans, rice, and veggies. It was amazingly delicous, and I will definitely make it again. I also made Tilapia Parmesan, and a salsa chicken. Incredible food! I didn't have to sacrifice good food for health, so I have a renewed sense of accomplishment and I'm excited to continue on this journey of new food, and a new me :).

The state of America.

I'm not talking about the national debt, or health care, or abortion, or any other hot topics.  I'm talking about the people.  With election day come and gone, this morning I was thinking. Our country has alot of problems. I would say our biggest problem is the 2 parties that "represent" the people. Our country is full of hate and it sickens me.  All I see on TV is hate.  Everyone in politics hates each other, and blames the other party of racism, sexism, socialism, segregation, etc.  What got me thinking of this today?  Actually, I must credit Pink Floyd's "hey you".  The lyrics, 'together we stand, united we fall'.  First of all, I thought of the 9/11 slogan, 'united we stand' then I got to thinking;  Why does it take a national tragedy for us to realize whats really important? At that time we weren't democrats or republicans. We weren't black white or Hispanic. We weren't gay or straight, male or female, christian or atheist.  We were Americans.  We joined together in defense of our country and created a united front. However temporary it may have been.  Now of course there were those that didn't join us, but we were to busy taking care of each other to notice.  This post is not in support of any political party or group.  This post is in support of a united state of America.  Not the current divided one.  Our government is corrupt, and the only people who get noticed are extremists.  I remember being at work on 9/11/2001.  I remember the feelings that went through me.  I remember the overwhelming urge to show my support by posting it on the reader board of Central Park.  I remember being proud to be an American and proud of all the things that stood for.  I was proud of our country and the compassion in which we had for each other that day.  Now, all I can think is shame on you, politicians.  Shame on the groups that promote hate against a certain race of people (and I don't just mean black. There are plenty of white-hate groups too) shame on people who feel the need to spend their days spewing hate against homosexuals and judging the choices and lifestyles others choose.  Shame on those who feel the need to change our pledge of allegiance. Shame on those who protest military funerals. Shame on those bashing each others right to religious freedom.  I could go on for days.  We are a country divided. And as best said by pink Floyd, 'together we stand, divided we fall'.

The "D" word

In the past few months, Ive had several friends, and family members become seperated, or divorced. This trend is quite upsetting to me. I see generally happy families being split up over things like money, and child rearing. Things that if every couple to have the fight divorced, well, needless to say the "family" would be an extinct idea.  Just today I had a neighbor confide in me her marital dilemmas, and its saddening. I know some of us have bigger issues. Addiction, and infidelity, among others.  However, are these things truly unforgivable sins? Does the old homage 'once a cheater always a cheater' speak truth?  Sometimes, maybe. But Ive seen the contrary too many times to give into old misguided sayings.  Ive been in the position of marital discourse more times than I can count. Going through nearly every issue under the sun, and learning to forgive, be forgiven and move on. Its not an easy task. Definately not for the faint of heart. But Ive always asked myself. Isnt my family worth it? My kids deserve to be raised in a 2 parent home if possible. Why are so many people so willing to give up their marriage without a fight?  Why do we expect our spouses to be perfect, when we dont fit the description ourselves? Surely we all have it in us to forgive.  Now, I understand some things are unforgivable, and I whole heartedly agree that divorce is the best option. Things like abuse, or continual infidelity or addiction problems. In these cases, please do what you need to do, but overall I think our culture has become lazy in terms of family and marriage. We made the decision to enter into a union with this other person. For better or worse. Some of us have alot more worse than better, but its these times that make us stronger people and can strengthen a marriage, causing us to lean on and support each other, or despise each other.  Why do our friends push us to "leave the jerk" ? Shouldnt a friend be a supportive, listening ear to help us find our way out of the darkness and gloom, wether it end up being divorce or otherwise? Marriage isnt supposed to be easy. Raising a family is not easy. Those TV sitcoms are not the reality of marriage. Fights arent resolved with a short, heated discussion and a laugh. Not at my house anyway. Kids are an ever-present force. Where are the kids in TV families? If only they only appeard and had conflict when it was pertinent to the 'episode' that week.  We as women should be strong, and fight for what we believe in. I believe in the family. And though this post will probably not do anyone any good, Ive been itching to get it out there. I will always support my friends in their decisions. I may not agree, and you can bet Im going to give you my 2 cents wether you like it or not. I wont pound it into your head.  But I do feel the need to share my own experiences, and try to help in anyway I can.  Just so you know. Work it out people. You may not be happy at the moment, but obviously you were happy once because you chose to marry and start a family with this person. I promise you can be happy again. It wont be all the time, and it wont be exactly the same. But you can be happy. It takes time and effort though. Something  in this age of convenience and impatience that people dont seem to be willing to put forth. Giving up is easier. Right? Just remember, the easy path isnt always the best path.

the punishment dilemma

So last night, as we sat quietly in the dining room, the silence was suddenly broken by the screaming of little people upstairs. Fighting about tattling about drawing on themselves. Who were the culprits? Brooklyn and Tyler of course. And yes, they had drawn on themselves and each other with a marker. Now this is not the first time we've dealt with this. And the last time they were told if they do it again, they would be in big trouble. So naturally, they do it again. Why not? Mom and Dad cant possibly be serious. The biggest problem isnt even so much that they draw on themselves, its that its always on their faces. Like they want to be caught. They could easily draw on their backs and stomachs and I may never know. Why the face? Why must Tyler think he needs to be a ninja turtle and cover his face with green? And Brooklyn goes with whiskers and a black nose. I digress. Now, with complete control, Josh and I discuss with them the consequences, and talk about why they do this etc. The punishment was to be they were not allowed to use art supplies without supervison until Josh and I decided they were responsible enough. We felt good about this. There was no screaming, just calm discussion. Big pat on the back for us! We did awesome!!....fast forward 10 minutes....Josh heads upstairs to find them doing what? Coloring. Not on themselves, but on paper. But only minutes after they were told they were not to use them! Josh's first thought was 'grounded for a week!!' a week? Really? Perhaps he doesnt realize how grounding 3 kids for a week from any life at all during summer break actually punishes me. He gets the sweet relief of work, and doesnt have to deal with the moping, whining, crying, and general annoyance of kids who would rather be out riding bikes, playing with friends, or playing video games. This is when it hit us. Why do we punish our kids and in return punish ourselves? Why not punish them in a way that benefits us? Ive done the extra chores thing, but lets kick it up a notch. As I write this I am sitting on a blanket in the shade with my babies, sipping my diet coke and enjoying the warmth as I watch my children clean out my car. This is no ordinary car. Its the minivan from hell. granted, most of the crap belongs to them, or it did in the peak of its existince. Who knows what may be lurking under those back seats or what the heck leaked all over in this cupholder. I removed the seats, and thier off!! Clean it out, vacuum, windows, armorall, and yes, all the sticky crap that I dont even dare guess the name of. Oh the joy of having a clean car without the sweat and backache. Now Im sure Im not the first person to realize manual labor may be the key to behaving children. And perhaps it wont work at all. But the way I see it, Im a winner either way. I suppose the more my kids misbehave, the cleaner my car will be, and the less weeds in the yard. If they get the message, I have well behaved kids. Hooray!!

Lament of a stay at home mom

The most under paid, disrespected job of them all. No, not a junior high custodian or a walmart stocker, but a stay at home mom. Perhaps my job is more flexible than some. And by flexible I mean, I can go to a friends house for a playdate in the morning, and clean house later, but that doesnt mean its easy. Maybe I am slacking some mornings. But I certainly make up for it at 10pm. Maybe I do have "down time" where I get to play with the kids. But I also get to deal with the fighting, screaming, poopy diapers, spills, and all else that comes with the territory 24/7. I dont get weekends off. I dont get a full nights sleep. No, being a stay at home parent is not for the faint of heart. My house isnt spotless. I dont think I would like it that way anyhow. But my kids are happy, well cared for, and fed. I cook, clean, do laundry, change diapers, bath kids, drive to piano lessons, girl scouts, and any sports of the moment, I wake up at all hours of the night, sometimes for hours, I do all the grocery shopping with at least 2 kids, I make all appointments, and make sure whoever needs to be there is, I go to the bank, drop off the rent, pick up prescriptions...ok, you get it right? Basically I am at the beck and call of my entire family. Im tired of being told how easy I have it. I work damn hard. I dream of sleeping in on a sunday morning -of course these dreams are sporadically, in between waking babies. Now, this is meant as no disrespect to my dear husband, who I know works his butt off, but I do too!! Guess what people. There is no laundry fairy!! Other common errors? A good meal sometimes takes hours to make!! Just because the house is a mess now, does not mean I didnt clean it today. Twice!! Nursing babies takes time. And just because I choose to sit and nurse a baby or two doesnt mean Im lazy!! Guess what. I dont always like going to the park! Tball games and piano recitals bore me too! But I do these things because its my job. And I love it. But dont disrespect the stay at home. I think alot more parents should stay home. Our country is so obsessed with material possessions that we are all led to believe that we need 2 incomes to survive. Well, with sacrifice, you can live on 1!! Im not going to work just to pay for daycare, then come home and do all the things I do now. I dont need 2 full time jobs thank you. Maybe if more kids had a competent parent at home they would get in less trouble. Our kids should not be raising themselves. Take the kids who live behind me. They cuss like sailors, skateboard all over Jordan Landing -Ive almost hit them several times cause they dont get out of the road-, they pick on smaller kids, swim at the pool alone, the list goes on. Oh, and did I mention these kids are ages 7-12? And now they are in charge of their little brother all the time, who is around 4. Oh good. One more. I knew the 7 year old last year cause hes in Brooklyns class and he was a cute, good kid. Tyler used to love playing with him. This last year Ive watched him go downhill and its sad. My kids are no longer allowed to play with them. Tired of them getting punched and I dont want them talking the way they do. NO parental supervision. Being a stay at home parent should not be taboo. Now I understand the cases of single parents. Ive been there. You have to work and do it all. I understand that. And honestly, some days I would rather be at work outside the home. I did enjoy coming home to a clean house and kids that were happy to see me. Instead I get ornery kids, food thrown at me, dog mess to clean up and no reason to even put on mascara anymore. Im inches from a nervous breakdown at least 4 days a week. And I wouldnt trade it for anything.

Dirty words

Money. The dirtiest word I know. It controls everything from our marriages, to our kids educations, to the type of pets we can own and where we can live. I don't know about you, but at least %75 of the arguments my husband and I get in involve money. Where does it go? How can we get more? We're slaves to a broken system that keeps the poor poor, the rich richer, and leaves the middle class to fend for themselves. After all, we don't need the tax breaks, right? We never need public assistance such as medicaid, right? My husband works 50+ hours a week. This should be enough. Should be. We live paycheck to paycheck, so one little slip and we're flat on our asses. Why do we need satellite TV? Cell phones with Internet? Cell phones at all? Video game systems, wifi, fancy cars, and steak for dinner? Why do we depend on these things to survive? They are all things we can live without, but the theory of keeping up with the Jones' is just to great. We cant help but want bigger, better and more. Perhaps we should take a lesson from our grandparents, and scale back. Pay cash, and and take pride in our credit. Why shouldn't a parent be able to stay at home with the kids? Why should we have to depend on two full time incomes, and allow our kids to be raised by Hannah Montana and MTV? The truth is, most of us can survive on a single income. We just choose to live more extravagantly than necessary. Of course, "stay at home parent" is a taboo phrase all on its own, but we'll save that one for another post. As I write this, my family and I have made the decision to move in with my parents. This is probably one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make, but at the same time, most likely the best for our future. In about 7 months time, we should be able to get ourselves completely out of debt. At which time, we hope to get into a home of our own. I hate the thought of giving up my home. Even if it is a rental. Its my home. Its my kids home. I love my neighborhood, I love having my own bathroom, my own kitchen, and the think I may miss the most; central air. But its time to look at the big picture. Our money situation, and bad decisions, have given us 2 options; live paycheck to paycheck paying the minimum on everything and let the bills pile up while renting a 3bdrm townhouse with our family of 7, or move in with the parents, live in a cramped space for half a year, and moving on to bigger and better things. Obviously owning our own home is the better option, but the short term of that makes me shudder. I love my parents, but I sure do love my space. I hate having to be dependent on others. I hate asking for help. I'm the type who would rather wallow in self pity and drown in the financial pit Ive dug than admit I need help. This has been a long time coming, and a most difficult decision to make. But my kids deserve better than this. They deserve the security of a well stocked savings account. They deserve clothes that fit and look nice before school starts. I used to be so good with money. Not sure what happened. Time to get back to basics and start filling up this pit of ruin. I know we can do it. It wont be easy, but ask me in a year. Ill tell you what a great decision it was, and how much better off we are because of it. Ask me now, and well, I'm still struggling with the idea.

My addiction to the white stuff

As in sugar. Holy crap I cant get enough and its disgusting. Let me tell you what Ive eaten today: a bowl of rice krispies. with sugar added. 2 cups of coffee with a sugar filled creamer. Half a donut. Would've been more, but thats all there was. Enchiladas with a pepsi followed by a huge bowl of cookie dough ice cream. Then, cause I just cant help myself, grahm crackers with frosting. Nothing healthy, no fruit, no veggies. Sick I know. This is the beginning of my freedom from my sugar addiction. Ive read it can be a harder addiction to break than heroin, and I can see why. First off its easily accessible. I can excercise all day long and never lose a Lb with a diet like this. Time to re-train the taste buds. Now I dont think I can kick the habit completely, but I definately need to cut it down and add some healthy stuff to the mix. So starts my 2 week plan. I will cut out the bad, and add in the good. But dont expect me to cut out my coffee creamer. But the rest!! Here goes!! Ill be back tomorrow with an update!!

Size DOES matter

No, this is not a post about that -get your mind out of the gutter-. In fact, this i a post about being overweight. Im generally happy with myself. Of course there are things I would change if I had a magic wand, but overall, I can deal. My one fatal flaw always ends up being my weight. Ive never been thin, and thats ok. But why do we -as overweight people- have to be made to feel bad about it? All I ask is to not wear a plus size. Who came up with this horrible term? I think it should be banned. Its offensive. Being fat doesnt mean Im lazy. Im a stay at home mom of 5 kids. Always cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, helping with homework, and carting kids around to piano, tball, bday parties, etc. So please dont assume that I am lazy in any way! I read in a magazine that one problem we moms have is putting ourselves last, and doing nothing for ourselves but eat. I was enlightened! While on the go, I grab myself a huge vanilla frappuccino with whipped cream. mmm. This is how I do things for me. I dont get 20 minutes to go work out. I dont get a massage. I guess the idea is to re-program our minds and find new ways to pat ourselves on the back. If you think of one, let me know. But back to the original thoughts of this post. Im tired of feeling good about myself, then looking in a mirror or at a picture and seeing how huge I really am. Im tired of never having pants that fit properly. Im tired of my "relief society muscle". Why do clothing designers assume that if your fat, you want elastic waistbands and polyester pants? I know theirs stores you can find cute plus sizes, but I cant afford to pay $60 for pants. Why cant I go to Kohls and find something decent to wear in a size 18? And why is it assumed that because I wear an 18, I must be short? I am so frustrated over the whole stupid thing. I hate skinny people. You all suck!! Ok so I dont really hate you, but you do suck. Especially those of you who dont do a damn thing to be that way. I put on a lb just by thinking about chocolate.

That bowl is waaay to big. ---Confessions of a naggy wife : P---

Now, am I the only one who could follow their husband around the house all day and correct him? I dont try to be all crazy like this, but it just happens. Yesterday, Josh was making tuna fish. He grabs the BIGGEST bowl in the cabinet, and proceeds to open 2 cans of tuna. I walk in as hes dumping them into the bowl, and give him the mouth gaping-what the hell are you doing- look. I try not to say anything, but I just cant stop myself. "You really dont need a bowl that big." I say. Of course, thats not enough. "there are clean bowls in the dishwasher, and really that would have fit in a cereal sized bowl." He gives me his annoyed look as hes cutting pickles on the cutting board, then he has an idea; food processor! I watch him grab it, plug it in, and proceed loading it with onions, pickles and tomatos for his tuna. Really?!? Running through my head is the amount of dishes and cleaning he's adding to my work load and I just cant stand it! I have to say something! Not that it will make him clean up after himself, or prevent him from doing the exact same thing again, but maybe, just MAYBE if I say something enough, he'll finally get it and stop. I know deep down it will never happen but a girl can dream..."why are you using that!!" thats it. I may have just started WWIII. I calmly leave the room and retreat to the upstairs. Not worth it. Sadly, this isnt all. The dirty clothes NEXT to the hamper...The soda cans decorating our dresser...the list goes on. I can complain until my voice is gone, and nothing will change. Why do I bother? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to criticize? Guess thats just part of me. I like things done my way, which is why I prefer just do it all myself. Like I said, I dont like to be a naggy wife. But I cant help myself.